where yesterdays are all boxed up & neatly put away.

we keep fighting with each other... my goodness. i don't know why. i mean it's like over really small things that neither of us used to get annoyed with last time. i dunoe, maybe it's just me. maybe i'm just really edgy these days... but i can bet you it's more than that. i mean it takes two people to fight, right? i'm not justifying myself here... i know i can be super grouchy and unreasonable... and super snappy and all that kinda thing. and act like a total spoilt kid if he doesn't listen to me- i'm fully capable of throwing tantrums, ignoring him. all that kinda thing. but i mean like you know sometimes when we talk to each other, it doesn't seem like he's bothering. it feels like he's talking to me out of obligation and that we go out with each other out of obligation... i'm just afraid it's becoming some routine thing. and i don't want a relationship where everything is done "just because". i don't know what to make of things, honestly. i guess i'm sorry i can't be perfect huh. but sometimes it's difficult not to get irritated. it's like... i call him the moment i put my pen down to take a break... and then he like sounds quite happy for like maybe 2 minutes then it all fades and he gives me this siansian voice like it's such a chore to talk to me that kinda' thing? i mean it quite hurts lor. anyway... then like sometimes when i talk he doesn't respond at all. i can like go "hey" like 5 times before he says something. and no it's not because my phone's unbelievably soft. that's what i used to think. but it happens when i talk to him on my hp too. heh... and then when he does respond he talks about a completely different topic! like i can be talking about my failing my prelims one moment and the next moment he goes on and says something like "did you know this snake blah blah bloody blah" ... annoying right? i know it's quite amusing the first few times but sometimes it really feels like he's not listening to me at all and that sucks. i mean he's my boyfriend, he's kinda supposed to listen to me and talk to me right? not just like totally daydream away when i start talking. sometimes i think he's just plain disinterested. he says otherwise but i'm not too sure. i mean it keeps happening, over and over again. i know a lot of the time he's tired, but this happens even when he's not tired. and then now he's talking about feeling guilty cos of his inability to spend time with me. i mean like hi i call him whenever i take a break but he either dozes off or daydream while talking to me. so why the hell is he complaining about not having enough time with me!?!? true, we do go out less often than we used to ( it's not my fault i have prelims to study for ) ... but i don't think that mean that much compared to like talking to each other right. for crying out loud we hardly talk. we can hardly hold up a decent conversation where both of us are actually talking for half an hour. maybe he just has a short attention span, i have no friggin' idea. but frankly it's getting very frustrating. i mean, imagine this. here you are trying to pour your soul out to your boyfriend and there he is going on about something which has totally no relation to what you're talking about. or he just doesn't respond. and then he has the audacity to ask you to repeat yourself?!?!? and when you decline cos you're just oh-so-damn-irritated, he basically implies that you're being unreasonable cos you don't wanna repeat yourself. i mean who in the right mind wants to hold a conversation when you have to repeat yourself at least 3 times in 10 minutes.? might as well talk to the wall. at least you won't have to repeat yourself. oh and yes. apparently it's against my principles to repeat myself. urgh you tell me how not to get annoyed sometimes. sheesh. i'm kinda at a stage where i'm very tense about my prelim results and the upcoming Os... and he's just not there for me alot of the time. it's not because he's in NS... that's not true. that's not why he's not there for me. we just don't communicate. i don't know whether it's a -can't communicate- or a -justdon'twannacommunicateandhearwhatshehastosaycosit'scompletebullshit- thing. i have no idea. it's ridiculous really. i might as well spend my time talking to someone who actually listens to me and all that kinda thing right? i'm not saying that this happens during every single conversation that we hold... but it does happen for most of them. i'm at quite a loss as to what to do and where to go from here... i just wish things would go back to the way they were before... i don't know when... but before. before we started getting angry with each other so easily. before we started bickering everyday. sometimes i really wanna just give up and walk away cos it's really very frustrating not having someone to listen to you and sometimes he really gets me wondering whether he's just hanging on to this relationship for god know's what reason... or whether he really does want it to work out. i don't know what to do. shoot me* i just bitched about him for an entire entry. phwoah. that's not good. i know i could go on and on and on. but i don't think i should. sigh. but i guess that just goes to show how frustrated i am. and how much i want this to work out... and just how much i hate it when he doesn't listen to me and doesn't seem to understand me...

love,
me.

baby sometimes love just ain't enough.

posted by meishi @ 6:13 PM