they all finally start to go away
now that we're here so far away
and i feel like i can face the day.
you know what. today really sucked. everybody commented that i looked really depressed. everybody being karen eunice sharlene and ronald. yeah. i don't know why. do i really look that bad? oh, and debbie too! haha how could i forget debbie. rawr. anyhows. the day didn't start of very well. was in no mood to worship god. there was just this huge gap. well some know what i'm going through and some don't, but whatever it is, i know that THAT definitely stopped me from worshipping god. it's quite unnerving actually, because it's never happened to me before. like seriously. i've never not wanted to worship god, i've never not sang, hardly not clapped. so right now, i don't really know what to do. i wanna pray, but i can't. i can't bring myself to. i wanna kneel, prostrate. but i can't, my body won't listen to me. my heart's stubborn, my spirit's unwilling. the thought is there, the yearning is in existance. but i cannot put it into pract. and the sad part is that i'm not even sure why. why is this bugging me so much? just because he's gonna be more involved doesn't mean we're going to break up. it doesn't mean we're never going to see each other. it just means a minor decrease in the time we spend together, doesn't it? i don't know, i really hope so. i hope i'm just being annoying. god's gnawing me from the inside. okay, maybe not god. but this feeling that im' getting. pretty unsure as to what to do with myself. i've got lotsa' stuff due this week and next week. honestly, i'm feeling very claustrophobic. =( feel like i've dug this huge hole for myself, and nobody's gonna help me out of it. nobody's gonna provide me with the strength (note : i'm angry with god. that's BAD )... and nobody's gonna sustain me. how am i going to do this? sometimes, i really admire atheists. they rely on themselves to do things, they're really strong. i'm not saying that i wanna be one or anything, but honestly. i think it's kinda' admirable? anyhows. cheryl's birthday... gonna buy the cake before going for bible study- hope all goes well! okay... over and out!
thank you to everybody who cares. esp choy huayhuay- love you alot alot!
posted by meishi @ 5:22 PM
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