okay. you know what? i'm scared. i'm very afraid. and no, i'm not joking here. "all she wants is that something to hold on to, that's all she needs". everything in my life's changing right now. all the things i used to hold secure are not bouncing up and down. it's like lifting the anchor from a cruise liner. you know? yeah, you know. i'm going to cut and paste a blog entry i put up sometime at the end of last year. or beginning of this year. i'm not sure which one it is, but it's exactly how i'm feeling right now. just think about it. god, i prayed for this for so long. now you've finally given it to me. but lord, i really need your help. i need you to give me faith and strength, most of all, i need you to give me love that i might give it to him freely. and god, pleaseeee help me to be understanding. and please dont' take him away from him altogether, let us still have lots of time together. PLEASE GOD. I'M FRIGGIN' DESPERATE. amen.
an exerpt from:
Fri Nov 28, 11:00:41 PM
i'm very afraid of what's going to happen to us next year. i mean, he'll be busy with ns and his church stuff. and i'll be busy with school. and with weekends being out only free days, it's going to be really difficult. considering the fact that he get sout of camp at 12? or is it 1. well, whatever it is, it's pretty late by the time he returns home and comes out to town again. and then he'll probably have band pract in the evening. which leaves us like maybe 3 hours together? that's provided i don't have to do project stuff and shite like that. and i still have to go out with my friends, right? i mean. my life doesn't, and shouldn't revolve around him! anyhow. so... saturdays together will be very difficult. sundays are out of the question, since church starts at 930 and ends around 11ish for me... and then his church starts at 130. and if he's playing for worship he'll go down early. so i'm wondering.. where does that leave our relationship? it's not that i mind him being involved in church... i really don't. infact, i'm very glad that he is. but i mean. we're not going to have very much time for each other? weeknights will definitely be packed with all my other stuff. i mean... we're seriously not going to have time to see each other. maybe we won't even have time to talk to each other much. and the whole spending time with each other thing is a really big issue for me... i mean. spending time with somebody really means a lot to me. and honestly, i think that there's nothing more important than communication in a relationship. but what communication will there be if we can't even find the time to talk? sigh. i don't know, maybe i'm reading into this too much. but with everybody breaking up and stuff, i really don't know where our relationship stands. both of us have noticed that we can't hold a decent conversation without arguing about something little or other... it's quite silly, but it happens. and i know he's getting really frustrated (not like i'm not actually) sigh. spoke to rachel and sazzi about it... and a couple of other people as well. and well... now i guess i need to talk to him about it. i wanna sort somethings out and clear some grey areas up. don't wanna drag things on for too long. i really hope the talk that we're gonna have doesn't end result in a breakup... cos i don't think i want to break up with him :(
it's happening all over again. i'm so happy for him, delighted, overjoyed. yet at the same time, i'm so afraid he'll be taken away from me, so afraid i can't take the distance, so afraid that we'll break up again. i don't wanna break up again. :(
i guess less time with him = more time with my own friends. that isn't really that bad. but i anticipate a strain in our relationship. god, i really need your help. please help me out here, please, i'm begging you. :*(
i'm not gonna post lyrics today though i really feel like it. so g'night. and thanks everybody, love you guys.
posted by meishi @ 9:34 PM
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