i used to snigger at those girls who ran back to their boyfriends even after their hearts got broken time and again, after the boyfriends kept letting them go. i wondered how they could forgive, but not necessarily forget. i admired their strength and their commitment to the relationship, the unyielding love for their significant other. about 4 or 5 years down the road, i seem to have transformed. transformed into one of those spineless creatures, who crawl back to their boyfriends even though they keep arguing, and everything just keeps going wrong even when it's not their fault. and i hate you for making me like this
i went to meet edward after thai express, to pass him his present and talk. went to the coffee club at kino... sat outside. it was way romantic, but the sad thing is i wasn't in the mood for romantic. for the first time since our first few dates, i felt nervous around him- i didn't feel comfortable, i didn't feel like i could be myself. went down to the erm park at orchard mrt after coffee club decided to close their doors on us. anyway. magick, i tell you. confession session... but it was very nice. and there and then, i felt the way i used to. that same childish nervousness and insecurity. somehow, it just felt so right sitting next to him again... but so wrong that the boy seated to my left was not my boyfriend anymore. he put his arm around my shoulders, and i didn't resist, for the first time last night. the night went on, quite perfectly. and we left with his arm around my waist. i love that feeling- the feeling that someone is holding on to you so tightly, not wanting to let you go. the feeling of security, albeit how simeple the action might be. i wanted to tell him that i loved him last night, that i wanted to patch straight away, without any hesitation. but i couldn't. not because i don't love him, simply because i was, and still am afraid. afraid of the future with him, the future without him.
he's never smelt so perfect.
last night, i remember how it felt. how kissing the only boy you love feels- heavenly. even though the future's uncertain. now i remember how it feels to fall in love all over again, to just sit in silence with his arms around you, or with him holding your hand, or simply just having him plant soft kisses on your hand, inhaling your scent like it's heaven. i'll never forget.
happy 15th, edward.
and you stood at your door with your hands on my waist
and you kissed me like you meant it
and I knew,
that you meant it.
okay. now is the time to thank all the wonderful people.
sheng/tim/cheryl : thanks :)
joan chan zhu en : hur hur hur scold people in cantonese hur hur hur. you're the bestest ms cool! save that $5 in your hi card for me okay. i'm sure i'll need it.
lauren choy : this is why you're my bestfriend- you understand me too well.
sarahanne : see. i told you. we'll still be as close even if you're like 847923857238956 miles away from me.
shirah : men are stupid, aren't they? maneater's gotta get back at work dear, you've got people to eat for me ;)
and everyone else who's been messaging or calling me, thank you too, for all the "don't worry, it'll be okay." or "he's just stupid, he doesn't know what he's done." (mr pc, gary, j)
posted by meishi @ 2:54 PM
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